Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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If last week’s episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” taught us anything, it is that family should always come first. Fame, fortune, and celebrity should always take a back seat to the strong familial bonds that form when you take the time out of your busy schedule to sit down, relax, and chop it up with your loved ones. So what were this week’s lessons? Push your little sister into starting her career in something she doesn’t want to do, and limit your family’s access to your home. Outside of “LOST”, no show in television history can flip your f***in’ sh*t upside down like “Keeping up with the Kardashians” can. Let’s get into the details of the episode.
-When I checked out the DirecTV summary for this week’s episode, it simply said “Kris and Scott come to blows”. My mind went crazy. Will Kris Humphries knock Scott out? Will Kris Jenner get into an awkward girlfriend’s mother/boyfriend argument? Win-win if you ask me.
-Khloe is stressed out, so Kim thinks it would be a good idea to go to an acupuncturist to help her relax a bit. I know absolutely nothing about the science behind acupuncture, but when I’m stressed out I’ll tell you that getting my face pricked with a bunch of needles is the last thing I’m going to do. Can somebody explain this sh*t to me? Why don’t you go get a massage like a normal person?
-One minor annoyance to me: the way these girls say “Bible” instead of “swear to God” or “seriously”. I have no idea why this bothers me.
-Kendall Jenner, one of the daughters of Bruce and Kris, is doing a photo shoot, and this girl actually seems like she has her head on straight. BIBLE! But in all seriousness, she seems very normal and level headed for a teenage girl who has been on reality television for most of her formative years. It seems like just yesterday when her older sisters were teaching these young girls how to pole dance. How f***ing creepy was that in the earlier seasons?
-Kris (female) shows up to Kourtney and Scott’s house, and it is revealed that she has a key to their house. Scott is a little bit perturbed by this fact. I don’t see what the big deal is, really. My mother has a key to my house. However, she doesn’t just stop by unannounced all the time. Something tells me Kris does. We’ll be following these developments closely, as KEYGATE (as I so cleverly have anointed it) will be a MAJOR plot point this week.
-Ok those were my thoughts when Kris first showed up, then she started being a bit of a meddling, overbearing grandmother. She pretty much tells Scott that they have done everything wrong in baby proofing the house. She then goes on to compare their son Mason to the dead frog at the bottom of their little fountain/pond thing. [Quick tangent: seriously what was that thing? It looked like it was the size of a koi pond, but there were no koi in it. It was too small to be a hot tub. It was actually too small to do ANYTHING in there but stand by yourself. Rich people spend their money in dumb f*ck ways]. Now I’m not a parent, so I’m probably not the best person to have an opinion on this. But don’t you kind of have to learn for yourself? Isn’t it a little counterintuitive to have the grandmother of your child show up to your house and tell you everything you’re doing wrong? I mean some guidance is nice, but it would be really annoying to have somebody come into your house and tell you that you’re a goddamn idiot then compare your child (who is alive and well) to a dead amphibian at the bottom of a glorified puddle.
-Kris books Kendall for a photo shoot in New York City, and she has now gained one more client who’s name starts with the letter “K”. Kim, who definitely doesn’t have any ulterior motives, volunteers to take Kendall to NYC.
-The Jenner genes apparently hold something that the Kardashian genes do not: common sense. Bruce and his hilarious haircut think that maybe it isn’t the best idea to take a f***ing 15 year old to New York to be surrounded by modeling professionals who make their living by preying on teenagers and teaching them that being anything over 97 pounds is a mortal sin (that’s just my Midwestern, outsider take on the modeling industry). Also, his haircut is hilarious. I am a big fan of Bruce Jenner, and he deserves some kind of medal for dealing not only with these cameras, but also with the personalities and egos that inhabit this house.
-Cut back to the Disick/Kardashian household, where Scott is wearing a reflective velour coat and pleading his case to Kourtney to get their house key back from her mother. He’s making some valid points here. He wants them to be able to live their life without Kris barging in whenever the hell she feels like it. You can kind of tell Kourtney agrees with him, but is deathly scared of making the request. Which is a pretty legit fear, because Kris could literally turn her career upside down. Oh Kourtney, you want to go back on “One Life to Live”? Nope, you’re going being a contestant on MTV’s “Next”. TAKE AWAY MY KEY AND I WILL F***ING RUIN YOU.
-Kourtney and Kris go furniture shopping, and she segues into this key conversation in a way that can only be described as awful. It makes NO sense. She says something to the effect of “uh, the furniture people are coming, and I’m going to need the extra key because, uh, I just need it to let them in”. I’m paraphrasing, but you get it. For some reason Kris believes this and hands it over.
-Kim and Kendall get to their hotel in NYC, and they do the obligatory “jump on the bed” shot. It must be written into every reality show scene that upon entering a room with a bed in it for the very first time, you must jump up and down and scream in a high pitched voice what city you are staying in.
-We don’t get to see much of the “Khloe & Lamar” crew this week, except for one scene where they are flipping a mattress over. During the mattress flipping, Malika gets caught under it and looks legitimately scared. Then Rob makes some remark about having an erection, and it creeps Khloe out. But don’t you worry Khloe, he was talking to Lamar. This family is too close. IT MUST BE BECAUSE THEY MAKE SO MUCH TIME FOR EACH OTHER!
-Back in New York, Kendall wants Kim to show her around the city a little bit. Pretty reasonable request, right? Kim does not agree with this, and reminds her that this is no vacation, you are here for work, and to go the f*ck to bed. Kim is probably thinking “ugh, I just did a reality show here last year and I’ve already seen everything. God forbid I do something for you”.
-In our next scene, Kourtney blatantly lies to Scott about how the key conversation went. She tells him that she told Kris to respect the young couple’s privacy and give the key to her. She fails to mention she said nothing of the sort. This sexy exchange leads to Scott saying he’s going to take her panties off, then his panties off. Yes, it was as awkward to watch as it was to read.
-Kendall does something here that is a first for a woman of this family—runs from the car to the photo studio WITH HER FACE COVERED! What’s this, a Jenner/Kardashian trying to hide from the paparazzi? That is a heads-y move by this young woman. The only cameras that are going to capture her are the ones that follow her the f*ck around for 18 hours a day! Take that OK! Magazine!
