Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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Boy was this episode a doozy. Kris tries her best to emasculate her husband, and Kim is out to prove internet rumors wrong. In other words, a typical episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. Let’s dive right into it.
-We start off this week’s episode with Kim and Kourtney going to see a trainer to perform “anti-gravity exercises”. For the duration of their workout, the girls complain, cuss, look very uncoordinated, and liken the exercises to giving birth and having sex. Sounds like a pretty tough workout, right? Well either these two women are in peak physical shape, or this whole thing was fu*king staged (crazy, I know). Why do I say that? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because THEY DIDN’T SWEAT. Not one drop. I’m sure it’s hard to break a sweat with all the makeup and sh*t they probably put on before going to the gym, but for the sake of preserving some semblance of reality, you might want to at least spray their faces down.
-I love how E! set up this week’s KARDASHIAN KONTROVERSY! Michael Yo, a celebrity correspondent for the network (that position fu*king exists?!), “accidentally” calls Kris Jenner by her maiden name, Kris Kardashian. He TOTALLY DID THAT BY MISTAKE! That slip of the tongue was definitely not strategically placed to plant the seed for the main storyline!
-Anyway, he apologizes to Kris, and Kris says it happens all the time, and it’s no big deal. She says she just “rolls with the punches” and “pulls out all the stops” when she’s called Kardashian instead of Jenner. Stop. Please explain to the family patriarch that “rolling with the punches” and “pulling out all the stops” ARE NOT synonymous phrases. One means to casually go along with whatever situation you may happen to be in, and the other means to actively do everything in your power to make sure whatever you want to happen does in fact happen. What a dumb fu*k thing to say. I get it, it’s easy for me to say since I’m not on the spot on the red carpet, but come on.
-Kim calls Kourtney and tells her about the newest rumor that has popped up online—that Kim has had ass implants and the left implant has popped and deflated on a private flight she had taken. Of course they had to throw in that it happened on a goddamn PRIVATE jet. Kim’s ass would NEVER have the nerve to explode a sh*tty, dirty, gross, baby infested regular person plane! Ew! Kim is a fu*king KARDASHIAN. Think she’s gonna fly commercial? Hell to the no. Who do you think she is, one of those chicks from “16 and Pregnant”?
-But I digress. This same website has said in the past that Kim has “burned a raccoon” (which, by the way, is not a euphemism for anything sexual or deviant. I looked it up.), so this page should not be mistaken for an authority on anything Kardashian. While wearing some kind of Native American headdress, Khloe says that Kim should go to a doctor and get an x-ray of her ass to prove to the public that she doesn’t have implants. Kim then tells Khloe to feel Kourtney’s boobs (because she has implants) while simultaneously feeling Kim’s ass to compare what an augmented body part feels like compared to non-augmented body part. This scene is borderline incestuous, and pretty uncomfortable to watch. In a successful attempt to make this scene creepier, Kourtney asks Kim if she’s ever shoved food up her butt, then says some stupid sh*t about “pickled ass”. Your guess is as good as mine.
-Cut to Kendall, Kim, and Kris taking a walk together, and breaks the news to her daughters that she wants to change her last name back to Kardashian from Jenner. She says that everyone thinks her last name is Kardashian anyway, and this would really help the Kardashian brand. This is one of the stupidest fu*king things I’ve ever heard. EVERYBODY fu*king knows your last name is Jenner. You are married to one of our country’s most famous Olympians. YOU ARE ON A POPULAR REALITY SHOW THAT CLEARLY SHOWS YOUR LAST NAME IS JENNER. Everybody you do business with know you’re married to Bruce FU*KING Jenner. Your business associates are not confused when they call your office and hear the last name Jenner. Not one single goddamn fu*king person has ever done that. Just admit it, you want the first/last name alliteration of your three oldest daughters.
-Kendall and Kim are both appalled by the idea, as they should be. They tell Kris it isn’t fair to Bruce, and it is an asinine idea and they both can’t believe that she would even consider this. She even tries to tell Kendall and Kim that people think Bruce’s last name is Kardashian. The first time “Bruce Kardashian” was ever said was when it came out of her mouth. It is amazing that a woman who has made her family into reality television legends (it’s unfortunate that is a part of our society) can be so dense and clueless. It was nice to see Kendall and Kim were so against this.
-This is where we see how delusional Kris Kardashian Jenner really is. She is saying that the Kardashian name has become so well known that they’re like the Kennedys. WHAT. THE. FU*K. Let me tell you a little something, Kris. Other than the fact that the surname starts with the letter “K”, you have NOTHING in common with the Kennedys. The Kennedys are the closest thing the United States has come to royalty. Your family’s fame and fortune is rooted from a sex tape. Not quite the same thing.
-Kim makes a very astute point to her mother—do you see Maria Shriver changing her name back to Kennedy? Well maybe she will be now, but that’s neither here nor there.
-Khloe and Kourtney are now talking amongst themselves about whether or not Kim’s ass is real or fake. Khloe is playing devil’s advocate, pointing out how many times Kim has gone on vacation for weeks at a time, so she’d have plenty of time to get this surgery done secretly. Khloe then says that Kim’s ass used to look like hers. I’m not even going to make a smart ass comment about that one. So the two girls start going through old pictures to look at their sister’s ass, and BIBLE they think Kim stole incriminating ass pictures. Now I’m not exactly sure what the “Bible Rules” are, but Kourtney informs Khloe that the stolen picture accusation cannot be fu*king bibled. That’s so annoying.
