KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS – 8/15/11

Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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This week on KUWTK, we learn that Kim can’t dance (or think on her feet, for that matter), Kris still hates Scott, and the young Jenner girls feel as though they don’t get enough professional attention from their mother. Deep stuff, I know. Let’s get to it.

-Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney are in San Francisco to announce their new klothing line, the Kardashian Kollection to a room full of Sears’s corporate employees. When asked about her tastes in fashion, Kim KOMPLETELY freezes up. If I’m the guy who arranged this partnership on Sears’ behalf, I’d be pissed the f*ck off. Uh, hello?! You’re the one of the designers of this stupid f*cking line, and you can’t muster up a few words about it? Then again, noboDy under the age of 50 shops at Sears, so at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter.

-Kris stops by Kourtney and Scott’s house, and she is absolutely disgusted with the fact that he is home from the office at 3:00 PM, despite the fact his office operates on Eastern Standard Time. She then berates the sh*t out of him for a couple more minutes for no reason whatsoever.

-Kim goes to a Prince concert, gets called on stage, then he kicks her the f*ck off when she doesn’t dance with him. Did anybody else notice the fake tabloid cover that some 12 year old probably whipped up that covered this “kontroversy”? Seriously, that thing looked like sh*t. I guess the budget for quality production value quickly goes away when you pay Rob Kardashian $20,000 an episode. I totally came up with that figure off the top of my head, which will subsequently explode if he actually earns that amount. By the way, he was on screen for maybe 15 seconds this week.

-Kyndall (again, Kylie+Kendall=Kyndall) went to New York, and Kris left her at a photo shoot by herself for 12 hours. Once Scott “Dapper Don Disick” hears about this, he thinks the girls should fire Kris as their manager and hire him. He tells them that she spends too much time with the older children, and is neglecting her duties as their manager. This whole thing got turned into a “joke”, but no fu*cking way Scott was joking here. You could actually (note—not actually) see the dollar signs in his eyes the second he hears of this. He figures if anybody is going to make money off of 15 and 13 year old girls, it might as well be a guy that looks like “American Psycho”.

-Next, Kim and Kourtney go and visit Ryan Seacrest and his gold microphone. He brings up the Prince concert and Kim says something like “ohhhh my God you guys didn’t he like see ‘Dancing with the Stars’? He’s gotta know I can’t dance”. Ok, I have one question here—how the f*ck were you on “Dancing with the Stars” and you don’t have ONE dance move? You were coached by some of the best dancers in the world for WEEKS and you can’t come up with ANYTHING?

-Quick personal story. It really, really f*cking sucks to be put on the spot and have to dance in front of people. I was in a wedding last summer and each groomsman/bridesmaid had to do a dance when you were introduced. Also, I SUCK at dancing. I’m already f*cking dreading having to do this sh*t, so I decide to pretty much get as drunk as I can beforehand. I thought I had it figured out. The girl I was paired with was going to jump on my back and I was simply going to carry her to the head table. HELL YEAH. But that’s not what happened. As we’re introduced, the DJ f*cking plays the wrong song, and we panic. So she actually starts dancing and so as to not look like a COMPLETE idiot, I have to dance too. F*CK. Then the DJ kept our song on for like 45 seconds longer than everybody else’s. That was the longest minute of my life. It might as well have been an hour. I could hear my fiancée and all my friends laughing at me and sh*t. It was awful.

-Back to “reality” (get it?!) television talk, Kyndall wants to play this joke on Kris, so they decide to tell her that they’re firing her and hiring Scott at the dinner table. But not before she gets drunk. Kyndall is smart enough to let that wine start getting in her blood. She flips out and calls Scott, and tells her that it is Kris calling. He says “no sh*t I have caller ID. EVERYBODY HAS CALLER ID YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME WHO IS ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE”. Well those weren’t his exact words, but you get the picture. They set up a time to sit down and talk about the “management change”.

-The next talking head moment is Kris Jenner in a nutshell. As she’s ranting to the viewers about Scott, she says “you don’t mess with my family, but you DEFINITELY don’t mess with my business”. So for future reference everyone, she’ll forgive you if you try to exploit her teenage daughters, but if you start taking dollars out of her pocket, SH*T IS ON!

-Kim goes to a dance class, which I assumed would be for beginners, since she can’t dance. She apparently goes to a f*cking Usher audition or something, because this was INTENSE. She watches for a couple minutes, then hightails the hell out of there. Again, you’d think her “Dancing with the Stars” experience miiiiight have prepared her a little bit for this kind of sh*t.