KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS – 8/22/11

Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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In case you didn’t know, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married over the weekend. And if you didn’t know, it means you’re probably Amish, because that sh*t was all over the place last week. This week we got to see their first vacation together. I hope he brought an extra $75,000 Krissy boy. Why? Let’s find out.

-We start this week’s episode at Khloe and Lamar’s residence, and Lamar is wondering when, how often, and where Khloe poops. It was a pretty funny interaction, actually. The scene ends with Khloe hitting Lamar with a pillow, and feathers going everywhere. Has anybody ever had a pillow explode during a pillow fight. That sh*t only happens in 80’s movies at sorority houses.

-The Jenner’s have a f*cking sweet ass back yard. Anyway, Bruce surprises Kris and Kyndall with a trip to Bora Bora for their 20th wedding anniversary. Kris is all “f*ck that, I don’t wanna be on a plane that long and I’m not comfortable with my body HOW DARE YOU SURPRISE ME WITH A LAVISH VACATION!” Bruce is understandably perturbed as to why his wife seems so ungrateful.

-Kim takes boyfriend Kris to meet her old friend Loren in New York, and my, oh my does he look uncomfortable. It’s never good when you feel uncomfortable when you meet a significant other’s loved ones and you feel uneasy. You start making awkward jokes, you’re self-conscious about how you’re sitting, how fast you’re drinking, etc. I’m so glad I’m never going to have to do that again. This is a prime example of stupid awkward sh*t you do in this situation (if it weren’t scripted). He takes Loren’s ring and puts it on Kim and HOLY F*CKBALLS THAT IS A BIG RING. It’s so crazy that E! had this episode schedule set the day after their wedding! It’s like they knew or something!

-Rob and Khloe are talking to Loren about Kris, and they don’t really know what to think. Rob says he just really doesn’t know him, and Khloe thinks he’s a douche. Apparently the first time Kris met Khloe he asked if Kim’s ass was fake. Let’s chalk that up to what we talked about in the previous paragraph. And don’t think for a second Lamar didn’t have a part of forming Khloe’s opinion of Kris. That sh*t happens all the time when new boyfriends/girlfriends enter a family dynamic.

-They’re really playing up that none of the siblings like the guy. Kourtney thinks he’s too sarcastic, he has no filter and doesn’t really fit in. The woman who has a child and is in a relationship with Scott “Dapper Don” Disick thinks her sister’s boyfriend is too f*cking sarcastic. That’s rich.

-Kris walks into the kitchen wearing a bowtie, and tells everybody that she’s really not looking forward to being in a bathing suit in front of everybody in Bora Bora. Uh, NEWSFLASH! Nobody is going to be looking at you, Kris. The only two people that will be looking at you are your husband and your grandson. You already know Bruce is ok with what you’ve got going on, and you really should worry about what your two year old grandson thinks.

-The conversation steers back to the family wondering if Kris Humphries is going to fit in with the family. And they think taking him on F*CKING VACATION is the best time to figure this out? Are you KIDDING ME? If I even had an inkling that my girlfriend’s parents didn’t like me I sure as hell would go on vacation with them. There’s no escaping that sh*t. He would have two options if his gut feeling turned out to be right. Get on a f*cking plane and leave, and the family hates you forever, or sit there for ten days and receive countless amounts of snide comments and dirty looks. Ick, I do not envy you Kristopher. Or they turn out to love him, and then it’s great for your relationship moving forward. HARMONY DOESN’T MAKE FOR GREAT TV BUDDY!

-Kourtney and Khloe are at some weird shop, and Kourtney brings up my prior point about Bora Bora maaaaaaybe not being the best place for everyone to get to know Kim’s boyfriend. By the way, did anybody notice that Khloe’s voice was like, really f*cking deep in this scene? Did she just wake up or something? Or is that how her voice really is when she’s not talking like a baby? Reality Steve I-Team, that’s your assignment for this week.

-Kris goes and visits a plastic surgeon, and has a conversation about her boobs with a woman who cannot move her mouth. I’m still not completely sure if she was a ventriloquist’s puppet or not. Mouth lady was all “you’re stupid if you don’t have big boobs why the f*ck would you ever consider a reduction?” Then, Kris enters the doctor’s office and he eviscerates her. Did anybody else used to watch “Nip/Tuck” where Christian would make a woman get naked, and draw on her body with lipstick showing her every imperfection with her body? That’s the vibe I was getting here.