Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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Because of last week’s holiday, KUWTK had a week off and thankfully didn’t return this week with a double length episode. But you know the Kardashians, and they can cram as much mind blowing content in 22 minutes with the best of them. If you were wondering coming into this episode if Kris Jenner was a raging fu*king lunatic, all of your questions were answered in this dramatic episode.
-I always like to read the DirecTV summary before the show to kind of find out what I’m getting into. This week’s said “Kourtney contemplates having a child”. Not to spoil the whole episode, but that’s not what it’s about at fu*king all.
-We start off at Khloe and Lamar’s house, and Rob has an itchy ass. He then starts scratching his ass on the corner of the countertop. That’s pretty gross, right? Lamar agrees. Rob says he’s doing what a bear would do in the forest, but Lamar tells him that bears scratch their asses with rabbits. If that is true, I would really like to know why I didn’t know this sh*t before. Can somebody verify this for me?
-With complete lack of a segue, Rob says that he would TOTALLY do porn. Lamar agrees and says that his name would be “Lefty Lamar”, because, well, have you seen “Silence of the Lambs”? You know what happens to Clarice when she’s walking through the prison? Your mind should go in that direction.
-Now Kourtney and Kris are shopping, and Kourtney says some innocent comment about not wanting to decorate the guest room in the off chance she has another baby. Kris takes this little tidbit of information and runs with it. The rest of Kris’ dialogue for this episode goes something like this: “KOURTNEY I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU TO NOT BE SUCH A SLUTBAG YOU GET YOUR ASS MARRIED BECAUSE I’M ASHAMED TO HAVE YOU AS MY DAUGHTER BUT I WILL DANCE AROUND USING THOSE EXACT WORDS FOR TWENTY FU*KING MINUTES ROOOOOAR”. Then her eyes lit up with flames and she was speaking in tongues. That could’ve just been my imagination though.
-Scott goes to see the therapist he usually visits with Kourtney, but he’s attending alone for a session. He opens up and says he’s sleeping in the guest room because his son is sleeping in the bed. He’s kind of jealous of the relationship his son has with his baby mama. [Tangent time: where the FU*K is Mason? He hasn’t been on screen for more than two seconds this season, and that might be stretching it a bit. Maybe he’s making an early career choice to not be a reality star? Maybe the parents’ priorities are out of whack?]. I kind of feel bad for him. Not because of his personal and family life, but because he’s wearing a shirt that is unbuttoned to his belly button. Somebody should have told him! How embarrassing!
-Kris tells everybody she has been asked to become an ordained pastor, and she’s doing so online. She then mentions that it is her life goal to marry Kourtney and Scott, even if they’re not willing participants. Well she didn’t say that, but Kourtney has mentioned no less than five times so far in this episode that she’s not ready to marry Scott, AKA Toolbag Extraordinaire.
-Of course this is NOT something Kris wants to hear, and keeps pressing the issue on Kourtney. Kourtney is sick of hearing this sh*t (as am I), so she makes fun of her stupid fu*king glasses. I was really happy that is the route Kourtney decided to take. Because those were some dumbfu*k glasses.
-Kris calls Kourtney a “hot mess” (E! cross promotion! That’s totally Chelsea Handler’s sh*t! Maybe we’ll see them on “Chelsea Lately this season), and says that “God has an order to things, and that is to get married if you have a child out of wedlock because that’s bad for business. I DIDN’T RAISE NO STREET WALKER!” Again, that could have been my imagination getting away from me.
-As Kris is leaving, Kourtney calls the stupid glasses “barf on a stick”, and Kim calls them “sinful”. I’m not clear as to whether or not Kim is talking about the glasses or Kourtney and Scott’s situation.
-Khloe is sick, and Bruce brings her soup. He then plays “airplane” with her and spills it all over her. Bruce then spills the beans that Kris is going to become an ordained pastor. Khloe asks if she goes through with this will he still be able to bang her. She has an unhealthy obsession with her mother’s sex life. She thinks the whole idea of Kris being pastor fu*king stupid, and you can tell by Bruce’s face he feels the same way. Then Khloe fell asleep in mid sentence. After waking up, she wonders if she’ll be able to officiate a ceremony because of the inability to be sober. Bruce sheepishly agrees.
-So Kris is talking sh*t about Kourtney to her friend, and her friend said that she would kill herself if she had a daughter with a kid out of wedlock. That’s pretty fu*king cold right there. Who says that? This is the worst friend ever. She’s also pretty dumb, because she agrees with Kris that making the two get married before they’re ready will solve all of their problems.
-Kris needs to practice officiating, so she uses her children as props, as she does with every other facet of her life. I actually thought she was going to trick the two of them into getting married. That’s how far off the deep end she is. I actually think she’s capable into tricking her daughter into marriage.
-As she does, Kris beats the dead horse some more and tells Kourtney and Scott they should marry. For the 9,327,992nd time this episode. Kourtney gets straight to the point and tells her to “SHUT THE FU*K UP YOU MEDDLING, SMALL, OPPORTUNISTIC PIECE OF SH*T”. I may or may not have taken hallucinogens before watching this episode, because I’m remembering things differently.
