KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS – 7/18/11

Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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This week’s column is probably going to be a little bit shorter, as I was unable to take notes when I watched this week’s episode. Not that anybody should ever have to take stupid fu*king notes when watching the damn Kardashian family. Whatever. Let’s get to it.

-I was very excited when I saw the “previously on KUWTK” montage. It was Scott being all douchey, and Rob being all douchey with him. They’re trying to build suspense that Rob doesn’t like Scott anymore because his douchiness has escalated to a point that even Rob Kardashian himself can recognize it.

-Rob is turning 24, still lives with his sister and really hasn’t done all that much with his life. So he TOTALLY deserves to have an extravagant birthday party and sh*t. In Vegas. At the Mirage. Most likely paid for by the network.

-Rob invites the entire family, sans Kourtney and Mason. Kim is grilling him about it, and he’s all “uhhhhh, like she has a baby and whatever and babies don’t belong in Vegas and uhhhhhh, like get off my back I’ve had a rough day”. Apparently he hasn’t been spending enough time with Mason the ghost child, and everybody is letting him know it. For as much talk about Mason there is in this episode, you see him for exactly zero seconds. HE MIGHT EXIST!

-Meanwhile, Bruce can’t hear very well, and it is becoming an issue. The show treats this as if he has a malignant tumor coming out of his fu*cking face. BRUCE CAN’T HEAR ME COMPLAIN ANYORE! AHHHHHH WHAT WILL I DO?!?! Khloe brings over some kind of KANDLE, puts it in his ear and lights it at one end. I don’t remember what exactly this thing was called, but a quick Google search says it’s “ear waxing”, even though I know that’s not what they called it. I guess it kind of served its purpose, and after emptying the gross sh*t on a plate, Kris and Khloe chase each other around with it. They are 55 and 27, respectively.

-Kourtney is not happy Rob isn’t spending time with her and Ma$e (I’m that’s how Rob probably writes his name), and she goes to Khloe’s house to tell him. He’s in bed and complaining that he’s sick, but Kourtney is pretty much all “pffffffffft son you ain’t sick, you just need to lay off the liquor, drugs, and women. All that sh*t.” He tells her that he doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, but he had just returned from Vegas where he had been drinking. That whole “I only had one drink on my birthday”? Fu*k that bullsh*t. You don’t have a party in fu*king Vegas and have one drink.

-Rob says the reason he doesn’t go see Kourtney and Ma$e is because of Scott. He said Scott sucks, and he doesn’t want to be around him. I think Scott is awesome. Not because of his actions, but because he’s either self-aware to the point where he’s using this opportunity to build up the “Disick” brand, or he’s so unaware of his social ineptitude that it’s hilarious. Either way is fine with me. I don’t care what it is that makes him entertain me, I just care that he cracks me up.

-Kris convinces Bruce to go see a doctor after we see another montage of people saying Bruce’s name and Bruce not responding to the calls. He goes to the doctor and is pretty much diagnosed with “your wife is an annoying, pestering devil woman so your brain has involuntarily drowned out the noise of her bothering you unless you think it might get you laid” syndrome. Seriously, that’s pretty much what he told Bruce. His hearing is perfectly fine for his age, and then the words “selective hearing” are said about 7,329 times in the next few minutes.

-Turns out Rob wasn’t lying about being sick, and he has to get an appendectomy. However, if you weren’t paying attention, you would think he was a dying AIDS patient on his way to donating his tattooed body to science. Now don’t get me wrong, I know an appendectomy is no joke, and it is extremely painful. My fiancée had one done. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have been in pain, but E! was a little over dramatic in portraying the situation.

-Kourtney comes to apologize and brings flowers that “weigh more than her”, and Rob says he will try to be a bigger part of Ma$e’s life. Earlier in the episode Kourtney said that Khloe probably wipes Rob’s ass. That was comical.

-Kris wasn’t happy about what Bruce told her about his “your wife is an annoying, pestering devil woman so your brain has involuntarily drowned out the noise of her bothering you unless you think it might get you laid” syndrome (SURPRISE! HE DOESN’T LISTEN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY HAVEN’T HAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION IN YEARS!), so they do something really fu*king dumb. They come up with a hand gesture that lets the other know that what they’re about to say is important. WHAT. THE. FU*K. Most normal people, I don’t know, just DON’T SAY ANYTHING if what they’re about to say is stupid. The whole point of Kris and Bruce having this conversation is to cut the dumb fu*king jibber jabber out of their lives, but Kris is just going to keep doing it, KNOWING he isn’t listening. Seriously, how full of yourself can you fu*king be? HE DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR DUMB FU*KING STORIES. HE JUST TOLD YOU THIS. So you think his brain is going to automatically turn back on to you when you do that sh*t with your hands?

-He’s even smart enough to know that Kris will abuse that privilege, so he warns her not to. I can just see them in five years having to go through ten minutes of hand gestures just to say “hello”. Maybe they should just learn sign language.

That’s all for this week, and sorry if it was a little bit on the angry side. Watching and then immediately writing about this show is really fu*king dangerous. Let me know what you thought in the comments.

Bill