Written by:
Bill Hudnutt
Email: william.d.hudnutt@gmail.com
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Last night, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” returned for its sixth season. You read that correctly. We are now living in a world where “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” will have existed for at least SIX YEARS. That in itself is pretty f***ing impressive, but even more so when this show has spawned three spinoffs, and probably a couple more when the two youngest ones decide to sign their life away and get a show of their own. A sex tape featuring Kim and Brandy’s little brother launched a reality show empire. Kris Jenner is probably the only woman on Earth that is happy with the fact that her daughter taped herself having sex with a failed rapper, then had said tape distributed through a huge porn company. Enough already, let’s get to what transpired on last night’s riveting episode.
The season starts out at some restaurant with Kim Kardashian and (SPOILER ALERT!) fiancé Kris Humphries, a member of the New Jersey Nets. They’re all lovey dovey, and when the two finish their meals, they basically burp into each other’s’ mouths. Because that’s normal. Look guys, we’re kooky! WE’RE SO COMFORTABLE TOGETHER! She probably figures that Kris Humphries is such an NBA scrub she can do whatever the hell she wants to him, because she’s his meal ticket. Literally. She probably paid for dinner.
Let me talk about Kris Humphries for a bit. I am an avid follower of the NBA, and I never heard of Kris Humphries until he became involved with Kim Kardashian. He is a scrub on a scrubby NBA team, and when he meets his ultimate demise, he will be better known for being married (then probably divorced) from Kim Kardashian than for fulfilling his dream. I feel like that’s really unfortunate. I’m assuming his dream since he was a child was to make it to the NBA, and now nobody cares about that. Not that they did before all of this. Whatever, you know what I’m saying. Also, you would have to be a fool to think that the fact that he spells Kris with a “K” didn’t factor into Kim’s wooing of him.
Anyway, the theme that this episode is hammering into our damn skulls is that the family doesn’t spend enough time together outside of business settings. No sh*t. How do you expect to have some good old family time when you agree to f***ing attach your name to each and every product that is offered to you? Not that I could blame them, I would maximize on my fame as much as they do. But unless you’re COMPLETLEY dense, you have to figure that leisure time is probably going to take a back seat for a while. There are only 24 hours in a day, ladies.
In an attempt to get the family together, Kourtney and fantastically douchey boyfriend/baby daddy/American Psycho lookalike Scott Disick decide to hold a game night at their house. Because game night really f***ing gets people excited. “Hey, we have millions of dollars, and we can literally do anything we want. How do we get the family together for a night of fun? I got it, let’s play some s***ty games like Taboo and Monopoly!” How stupid is that? I know that these aren’t normal people like you and me we’re dealing with, but you have to think that they could come up with something better than f***ing game night?! Why didn’t they just hold “Castration Night”? You would have a better chance of these Hollywood types to attend that rather than an exciting night of Outburst.
Well Kris (both female and male versions) and Kim don’t show up, as Kris (female) scheduled Kim for a photo shoot in New York. In lieu of her presence, she sends a gift to the house, and it turns out it was a re-gifted candle. A cavalcade of sh*t talking ensues. If you want to boil this show down to its lowest common denominator, it would be a cavalcade of sh*t talking. In a particular example of class, Kris didn’t even bother to take out the original card that the people wrote to her when the candle was originally gifted. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that this was never a gift to her, and some production assistant wrote the card seconds before it was on camera. I’m gonna let you in on something I’ve been thinking about—I think some of this stuff is scripted! I know, and it’s REALITY television! Crazy, I know.
Cut quickly to a meeting that Kris has set up for Kourtney and Khloe at the Four Seasons hotel. It’s not clear what these “potential business partners” are offering, but that really doesn’t matter because the girls decide to skip the meeting. You see their goal here was to teach Kris a lesson. Teach her a lesson about doing the job they pay her 10% of their earnings to do. They’re actively costing themselves money at this point. It’s all well and good because we get to see some of their acting chops. They are doing the mature thing and calling Kris acting like they’re new assistants for the girls. The poor people who probably were working on getting this meeting for months stick around for an hour then leave. Actually this probably wasn’t a meeting at all, and these two actors got to hang out at the Five Seasons for a weekend. But whatever. THEY WERE TOTALLY DISRESPECTED BY THE YOUNG KARDASHIAN SISTERS, AND KRIS AIN’T HAPPY ABOUT THIS!
Kris then chastises her daughters, saying that she does more for them than they probably know. She’s probably right. She then says something about a normal management team would only work 9-5 and wouldn’t go the extra mile for them like she does. Now I don’t know a whole lot about talent management, but I don’t think they just work 9-5. My only “experience” with this is watching “Entourage” and of course this show, so I’m not exactly qualified to make these statements. But something tells me the majority of talent managers don’t punch the clock at 5 PM and call it a night.
Kris is still stewing over the day’s developments, and she is drinking some wine in her bathroom that is also a living room. What do I mean by that? Do you know of any bathrooms that have a couch and a TV? I’ve heard of a TV maaaaybe, but this is just too much. Their bathroom is probably as big as the house I share with my fiancée and our dog. But I digress. Bruce comes in and echoes his wife’s sentiments, as husbands are prone to do. Kris then says that she will do all in her power to have family dinners weekly, and she can do this relatively easily since she controls the schedules of her daughters. That’s great management right there. Potentially cost yourself and your clients money so you can have a nice home cooked meal once a week. And by home cooked meal I mean cooked professionally in your kitchen. She said she doesn’t have the time to cook for everybody, and she doesn’t trust Bruce to do the cooking either. Nothing says good home cookin’ like a (probable) five-star chef in your f***Ing house. I’m assuming Kris is probably on her second bottle of wine, as she didn’t really have the strongest showing at dinner.
